Hate being sucked back into your childhood role every time your parents are around? Here's how to take charge and gain back your adulthood. Sooner or later, one must trade having someone to do your washing, always dry your tears and act as an unpaid chauffeur for having a grown-up relationship with one's parents. For some it happens upon leaving family home, for others when they get married, have a mortgage or a child - and some wonder if it will ever happen.

Sally is 37, on her second marriage and third mortgage and has an established career of 15 years' standing. She is also youngest of five children and has resigned herself as always being seen as baby of family. 'It doesn't matter how old I get or what I achieve, my Dad still treats me like a 12-year-old,' she says.

Andrea moved back in with her parents when she first split up with her ex-husband. 'They drove me insane. I'd lived away from home for nearly eight years, but my mum insisted on showing me "the right way" to do things - like wash up and slice carrots. I lasted three days and went to stay with my sister instead,' she recalls.

Getting your parents to recognise you as an adult can be difficult and unconsciously you may be contributing to problem. Everyone accepts that you have to act like an adult if you want to be treated like one, but it is easy to fall back into more childlike patterns of behaviour when you are with your parents without noticing you're doing it.

'It is common for people to feel that they are not treated as adults and a lot say that when they go home they feel like a kid again,' says Jill Curtis, a psychotherapist and author who specialises in family issues. 'It is worth watching your own behaviour to see if you are responding to it.'

When they do or say something that irritates you, take a step back and try to understand what's behind it, rather than just reacting right away Curtis points out that mealtimes are a popular flashpoint, as they can subconsciously trigger childhood memories of fights about food. 'You may think your mother thinks you're fat, or that she wants to feed you up. Whatever she's doing, there are ways of responding to it. You can say, "Mum, I'm 30 - I know I don't want any more potatoes" rather than flouncing out like a 14-year-old,' she says.

See their perspective Feeling and acting like an adult around your parents is cornerstone of having a grown-up relationship with them. When they do or say something that irritates you, take a step back from situation and try to understand what's behind it, rather than just reacting right away. Try to put yourselves in their shoes and understand their motivations. Ask yourself how you'd react if it were someone else.

Often version of our parents we carry around in our heads has little to do with real people. We project what we think about them and react accordingly, rather than finding out who they really are and how they really feel. Mums and dads were people before they were parents and you can do wonders for your relationship by getting to know them as people.

Acceptance
Some people, like Sally, have to accept that their parents will never see them as equals, and adapting your expectations is an important step. It is very sad when people keep hoping [the relationship] will get better and it doesn't. Saying "he or she isn't going to change" is hard, but it is harder to keep putting yourself through mill of expectation and disappointment,' Curtis concludes. That doesn't mean giving up on having a good relationship - it means accepting your parents as they are and adapting to it, rather than hoping they'll become something they are not.